Andrey Bartenev

Alternative Miss World

Collage, 2019

Alyonka Soup in a jiffy!
5 anti-ID recipes

Recipe 1:
To make Alyonka supple and easy to chew after a 15-minute boil, she needs to do 25 sit-ups before cooking. Liberally sprinkle the muscles warmed up by the workout with salt and dark red wine. Serve steamed with softly fluffed pasta.

Recipe 2:
To partake of Alyonka’s most tender mellowed brain, talk Alyonka into doing a breathing exercise (she’ll agree to it) before cooking: she should breathe for 12 minutes on a freshly baked apple. The brain heated by the breathing gymnastics should be added to a broth to taste. Serve with slices of pre-chilled baked apple.

Recipe 3:
Various forms of industrial gymnastics are incredibly good for you! The most effective equipment is the wall bars! What’s the advantage of this equipment? It gives us highly nutritious Alyonka juice! During the Swedish drill on these bars Alyonka’s fatty diffusive-focal degenerations protrude — the venous ducts are freed up and get acquainted with vectors of increasing gravity — which will give us two or even two and a half cups of Alyonka juice enriched with Vitamin D. Drink it to the last drop! Each milligram of Vitamin D adds years to your life.

Recipe 4:
In the morning your face demands lots of attention! That’s a fact… And what to do when you are on the road? The best thing is the “Minced Alyonka” in a jiffy! Densely pack in each folder of your layer… After this procedure, your facial skin will be as supple as a soccer ball. When going on a long trip, don’t forget to invite your girlfriend — Alyonka — to come with you… And, while nobody is looking, pack a mincer in your luggage… I did.

Recipe 5:
The most mysterious secret of ancient people! When your feet are tired of touring Venice, Alyonka’s lips will come to relief! Pull them up carefully, like silk stockings, slowly covering toe after toe with layers of the smiling mouth. As soon as the foot volumes are compressed up to the ankle by Alyonka — you’ll take a breather: swellings are coming down; blood circulation is normalizing. Which, in fact, will affect your vision — your glance will acquire focus and glint! You will have a chance to secure a victory in flirting! Supplement the effect of sparkling eyes with a faint smile… 

P.S. Alyonka is a milk chocolate that was manufactured in the USSR from 1965 (the year Andrey Bartenev was born). Its distinctive feature is the creamy rich taste. The chocolate was named after the daughter of Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman in space. The photograph for the wrapper was taken by Alexander Gerinas in 1960 — it depicts his eight-month old daughter Alyonka Gerinas. It was redrawn for the wrapper in 1965 by the artist Nikolai Maslov who changed the eye color, facial oval and the direction of the gaze.

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Andrey Bartenev (Russia)

Artist, fashion designer, author of a series of renowned sculptural performances. Born in 1965 in the city of Norilsk, Russia. In his works, Andrey Bartenev combines all the available media; he works with sound, text, dance, theater and visual art. Bartenev actively throws together shapes, materials and fantasies, continuing the ideas of Russian Futurism and kinetic art.

Works of Bartenev have been extensively exhibited in major museums of modern art, and have been acquired by Russian and foreign galleries, as well as private and corporate collections, such as Расо Rabanne, Andrew Logan, Brian Eno, Zandra Rhodes; Zimmerli Museum Collection, MMOMA, New Academy of Timur Novikov, Museum of Unique Dolls, Tsaritsyno Museum-Reserve.

Photo by Daniil Golovkin